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The Life and Love of Babygirl
Aug. 1st, 2005
02:31 pm - Revelations
Okay...this is something that I have been meaning to write about for awhile...so y'all read it and comment on it and tell me what you think.
If you have read my earlier journal entries...you will know that I am on a couple of journeys in life...one of them being discovering myself as a strong black woman. In this, I have discovered that black people, as a whole, whether we be African-Americans or native to the United States (and there is a difference people) have a unifying bond because of our race. Not saying that no other race has one, or that ours is greater than any other - but it is unique and different. Upon learning that, I discovered that minorities as a whole have a unifying bond because of hardships and struggles that our people have had to go through...whether these struggles be as big as racism and prejudice or having to eat beans everyday...lol. That last one might not make sense to some of y'all, but whatever.
Anyhow, because of this, I have grown to love my people of color. Not saying that I don't like white people, because I do, but I almost feel like family with people of color because there is an understanding there that I just don't believe white people will ever have. If you don't believe, try talking to some of them about some of your cultural things - and see just how far the conversation goes....
Well...another revelation occurred to me - and this one might seem like it should have been like "duh" but...being a minority does not always constrict itself to being a person of color.
I just started a job working at CSD Relay and in my training class, there is a little person. I finally got the nerve to ask her about being "little" and she openly talked to me about it. When I asked her why they don't like being called midgets, she explained it so clear - to them its like being called the "N" word. Just by her saying that I feel like we had an instant connection. Believe it or not...just how black people call each other nigga...little people call each other midgets. And she totally understands why no one else can call either of us either of those names...lol...see? That's an innate understanding.
I feel like I can talk about anything with Leah. She is a sweetheart. And believe it or not, she really has that understanding that I was talking about earlier. Like...for instance...Leah never dates average sized people and when I asked her why, she said she just didn't want to...that there was just an understanding that was missing. Later on we were talking about interracial dating and she asked me if I would ever date a white boy. And I said that there are plenty that I think are beautiful...but I don't think that they would ever want to date me. And she said...that is exactly how I feel about dating average size people. I was like...oooooohhhhh...I understand. But no one else in the conversation understood. No one.
Another example - during training classes we had a speaker come in about the deaf culture. This guy was horrible!! The things he said were just soo stereotypical and rude....me and Leah both left there thinking..."I wonder what he says about black people and little people."
So...of course...at almost half of the class's request they got another speaker to come in and this man was actually deaf. And just by the things that he told me about deaf culture.....I felt an instant connection with him. There aren't a lot of deaf people around he said...but the ones that are around....we stick together. I was like wow...that us too!!
So....pretty much...I realize now that I have a connection with all minorities, rather they be black, deaf, blind, or little people. We All have an innate understanding about life and the things that we go through as a people. Our experiences are similar, and we can all understand each others feelings. So remember....when you stick up for minorities...stick up for all of them. And if you are a minority - be proud of who you are...and love each other okay? Okay.
Now....this might be another subject for another time...but I am interested in comments on this....
How do people of the same race not feel comfortable around each other? I have actually met some black people that don't have this innate understanding that I was referring to earlier...if we all have the same past (as far as slavery and heritage goes...) why don't we all get it?
Y'all comment please and help me out on this one!!
Jul. 14th, 2005
03:07 pm - Watch Your Mouth Baby Girl
Okay...so this is what happened today in my geology class. We were basically sitting around in class, talking about student teaching. I asked my friend Boa if he had taken his Excet Exams yet and he said no. He said that he was planning to take it while he was student teaching because student teaching would not be that bad. I made the comment that I think student teaching will be rough for me because I would be student teaching at Estacado and those kids don't know anything. Now what I meant by that is that the students cannot read music well and that it is going to take a lot of work to teach them. But obviously that is not what came out.
When I made the comment, this girl behind me laughed. I asked her what was funny, and she said that she knew what I meant. I asked her how, and she said that her brother did his student teaching at Estacado and that the kids there were not very bright.
I automatically went into defense mode to try to tell her the kids werent stupid and that isn't what i meant..but it was too late. I had already sewn a seed. Actually, I just watered the seed, her brother already planted it. I wish I said that the kids weren't the stupid and that the teachers were just lazy. But it was too late. I felt soo horrible. I realize now that when I become a teacher I gotta watch my language and how I label the students. I need to be more positive when I talk about schools also, especially schools that hold a majority of students of color. Lord forgive me.
Okay...now back to the whole holy thing. And this is a long story..so yall bare with me...lol.
So I met this black man about a week ago. And I say black man to describe his looks. Tall, dark, big lips, big nose....8-pack for a stomach...strongly built. A black man...and very handsome at that. He plays for a semi-pro football team. Anyhow....I was running out of my house late for practice at church and I looked a hot mess. Like, I had on sweats and a tee, and some flip flops. I know I looked rough, but he stopped me to tell me I was beautiful. I was in complete shock!! At first I was like...this man is making fun of me...then I thought that maybe he just likes naturally looking women. Well..now I am convinced that he only did it to maybe get in my pants. He was flirty and just telling me how cute I was, but he treated other girls differently. You know, how athletes are...they treat the good girls like buddies, and they really chase after the girls that aren't so good.
Now don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he respects me. But its still kinda sucks how all the girls who are kinda loose get all of the boys!! And in a weird way..it makes me think that boys are liars. And this is how I explain this.
NOW THIS IS ONLY AN EXAMPLE..NOT A REAL LIFE SITUATION!!
If a boy tells you he likes you and likes your personality and thinks you are beautiful and could see himself with you (not saying this is what this particular guy said) what stops him from doing it? Well...who knows...but it my head sometimes it gets kinda twisted....what he says couldn't possibly be true...because if it were true..then he would be with that girl right? Okay...that sounds crazy..but trust me..I am not the only one who sometimes thinks like this.
Well I started looking through my Bible..I started looking at what the Bible said about beauty. Of course, as we all know, the Bible said in a nut shell that to dwell on beauty is vanity, but it also said something about what God thinks is beautiful Guess what that was....HOLINESS!! It had a lot of scripture about that..and to be honest I just started my research so I really can't tell you all of the scriptures. But I just had to write about this because it really affects me. Sometimes I think about my looks and what I look like. Sometimes I think I am too fat and too chunky and I don't think that I am pretty at all. Even as we speak, I am watching a show about women who are addicted to plastic surgery and can't stop. And it amazes me...because I really that sometimes people can be soo worried about things that are sooo vain.
Now that I think about it, some of the people that I think are the most beautiful are strong women and men of God. And now that I look at it, it just makes sooo much since. God makes us beautiful. He himself is beautiful and Him showing up inside of us is the beauty of beauty...lol. So...I hope it is fair to say this, but Holiness will bring you happiness, but if you are one of those people who aren't happy with your looks. Get God...and you can't look any better than you will when He comes into your life.
Don't worry... I still need to work on this one too.:0) I worry alot about my looks and if I am ugly. But you know what...now that I am trying to learn about this whole holiness thing and get closer to God....I am getting so many compliments. And I can honestly say its not me...its God. That's a testimony yall:0).
Okay...this is a long journal entry yall...I am gonna go....I hope this all makes sense...anyway...I will write again soon. Peace!!
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Kinda hungry too:0)Jul. 12th, 2005
03:21 pm
Everyday...more and more...I just realized how blessed I am. I realized that I am blessed to have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. I realize that I am blessed to be able to get an education, and because of that I plan on giving back by teaching my people. I realize that I am blessed to be alive and in good health. Y'all, God has definitely worked miracles in my life.
I realize how much of a connection I have with God during praise and worship. I figured out that I LOVE doing praise and worship. Is that my calling? I believe so.
I don't know if anyone will believe this, but when I came to college I wanted to be a history teacher. I went for music, but I had no idea why I was doing it. I had no idea how much music would play a role in me becoming the woman that I am. I love music, and I will use it to glorify God in my life. I will use it to uplift and educate my Black people, and I will use it to save souls.
I really feel like God has a calling on my life, but I don't know what it is. I need to surround myself with some strong Christian individuals who are like my..doing the same thing.
This is a hard race yall, but...
"Nay in all things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death,nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I love yall...I love people. God Bless!!
Jul. 10th, 2005
08:22 pm
Over the last week I have made quite a few decisions. One decision that I have made is to not worry about boys. Its amazing how when you don't want a relationship, boys will just come out of the wood works. And I am not saying that I worry about them like I can't get one and it stresses me...just that...you know...every girl wants companionship sometimes :0) Anyhow...for all its worth...and I am not looking for one...and they all can just keep coming to me.
I have decided to wait on the Lord for everything from now on. You know, sometimes people say they are going to wait but they still have a couple fingers dabbling in it. But today in church, I think I really learned a couple of things. Pastor Brooks said that if you get holy...maybe you can get happy. And then I realized that I didn't know exactly what being holy entailed. I am really gonna be reading up on it and changing somethings in my life. I really do think that it is about time.
I will keep yall updated on whatever that means....yall keep praying for me.
not feeling too shabby!!Jun. 24th, 2005
11:10 pm
You know what...this journal was going to start off as a bad one...but I refuse to keep feeling sad. God is a tremendous God who has never left me or forsaken me. I was sitting here feeling pretty lonely...but then I remembered that He is always here. And I love Him....regardless of any circumstances that He might put me through...I love Him. He is perfect in everyway...flawless. All of the times that I have forgotten about Him...He has never forgotten about me. All of the times that I have pushed Him to the side...He has always held my hand.
Lord, I praise you with everything that is in my heart. Lord I lift your name on high. You are wonderful and worthy to be praised. I am not alone...for You are with me...I love you. I really do.
I was sitting here thinking about boys wishing that I had one...lol. Like...so much of me wants to be in a relationship...and then part of me is scared crazy. Part of me wants someone just to hold me and cuddle with me...and then...part of me is waiting for that perfect special someone. That one who I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. It is him who I am waiting for. I don't need to date around...I don't need to do any of that. I will wait for that perfect someone that God has just for me...because he is coming. I do believe that with all my heart. And. while I am patiently waiting...I will work on myself...getting myself perfect for him. Besides...God is only waiting for me to get ready....then it will all fall in to place. I really do believe that.
I will patiently wait on you Lord....and bless you in the meantime.
I love you Jesus.
peacefulJun. 8th, 2005
10:05 pm - Love for Self
So I am sitting here reading my text book for class...and I realize that I don't know crap about myself.
The name of the book is Diversity Pedagogy...and I am reading a chapter where a teacher is inadvertently teaching the kids to love themselves and their diversity. Now don't get me wrong, I like who I am...but I just don't know who "I" is. I really don't know much about my culture, my ethnicity, and my diversity. I sport my 'fro...and I love being black, but honestly...I can not tell you why.
So...as of right now...a new journey has begun. I will learn more about my people and my culture, and in the end...learn more about myself. I actually plan on teaching at a diverse school, but how can I expect to teach others love for themselves...if I don't know who we are.
I feel cheated by this thing that we call the American Education System. Sure, I have been successfully taught to read, write, and and do math...well enough to earn a college degree. But what about knowing about me? I know enough about American History...and to tell you the truth...I love American History. But before I am an American...I am black...and I need to establish some knowledge about me.
Finally...I get the TRUE meaning of Knowledge is Power.....
09:09 pm - Starting New
Hey...this is me!! I know that everything looks new...that is because it is. After much deep thought I have decided to start all over. I deleted all of my old journal entries and changed the layout a little bit. All of that previous stuff was another part of my life....one that I really need to get past soooo...here it is...the new....Life and and Love of Babygirl:0)
Soooo many things have been going on!! I mean....my life is changing, but I seem to be moving in slow motion. You ever get the feeling that you are supposed to be doing something, but you don't know what it is....and the reason you don't know what it is is because you weren't paying attention to what was going on before and you missed you shot? Well...that is what I feel like right now. I feel like I am supposed to be in another part of my life, but...I don't know what it is and I am almost too lazy to go and find out. Its sad though.
You know what though? All of that is okay...because right now I am happy. I am going to seek the Lord in all that I do..starting right now. I know I need him really bad...right now I just kind of feel like I am out there...all alone...lonely...no one to talk to. But He is there...and I am soooo grateful.
So yall..this is new...brand new. And really...this time I will keep up with it.
Before I close...I gotta give a shout out....my homie Lindsay is probably one of the smartest,strongest, and most talented black women that I know. She inspires me....if you don't believe that this girl is a genius....go read her entry about Hip-Hop...her user name is Chocolatedrop...its phenomenal!!
Peace Out...and God Bless!!
chipper